Thursday, November 29, 2007

Santa's Guide Book 2007

When I was very young my dad told me that Santa would rather have beer with his cookies instead of milk.

Looking back, I guess that would explain the Ronco Bottle and Jar Cutter that I received that year.

Well, times have changed and I guess Santa has to change too.

This year Santa has been issued a guide book of strict rules to follow in order to be politically correct.

It's quite confusing for the old guy, because each country has a different set of rules.

In England, Santa must refrain from all Christmas goodies and adhere to a rigorous exercise routine. A fit- skinny Santa portrays a positive role model for young Brits.

Children now leave fruit and veggies for Santa and a glass of water.

In Australia, his distinguishable laugh , "Ho! Ho! Ho!" will be replaced with a quieter, "Ha Ha Ha". This will not scare the children and more importantly offend women in that particular identity group. It's more politically correct. Don't you agree? Ha! Ha! Ha!

I believe that Americans started this whole PC nonsense. Because of this,

once Santa arrives in America the rules get even stricter.

First and foremost, Santa must undergo a thorough background check.

He must show his hands at all times in front of children to avoid the appearance of inappropriate touching.

He can longer place presents under the Christmas tree. They must be distributed carefully under the new and improved -politically correct, "Family Tree".

He is not allowed to smoke his pipe, because of the anti-smoking laws and he cannot make promises to children he cannot keep.

In some places like Ft. Collins, Colorado he is not allowed to appear in public and has been relegated to a museum.

Thanks to Al Gore,

he must change into a green suit when delivering presents to the Eco-conscious .

These are just a few pages from the Santa Guide Book 2007. There are many more.

So don't be surprised if Santa leaves you a lump of coal this year. He's not to blame.

Why not leave him a cold beer?

Who knows, you might get lucky and receive a Ronco Bottle and Jar Cutter...............


Casey Klahn said...

My little 6 year old asked Santa for a gun. You should've seen the old guy roll his eyes...

thorngren said...

[Ralphie is visiting Santa at the department store, only he can't remember what he wanted]
Santa Claus: How about a nice football?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Football? Football? What's a football? With unconscious will my voice squeaked out 'football'.
Santa Claus: Okay, get him out of here.
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] A football? Oh no, what was I doing? Wake up, Stupid! Wake up!
Ralphie: [Ralphie is shoved down the slide, but he stops himself and climbs back up] No! No! I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!
Santa Claus: You'll shoot your eye out, kid.